Funny Work Place Signs
1. On a Butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.”
2. On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.”
3. At a Used Car Lot: “Second Hand cars in first crash condition.”
4. On a fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
5. At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
6. Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
7. Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
8. At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
9. On a desk in a Reception Room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
10. In a Cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”
Thursday
Tuesday
You've Got Blonde
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Friday
Blonde Jokes
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the funny blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Wednesday
Looking to buy a frog-Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Funny One Liner Jokes, Oneliners
Funny One Liner Jokes, Oneliners: "Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory."
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory."
Tuesday
Funny Bumper Stickers
My karma ran over your dogma.
I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"I is a college student."
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"I is a college student."
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Saturday
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Funny Cat Jokes
Cat Joke 1
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?
Cat Joke 2
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″
Cat Joke 3
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Cat Joke 4
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
Cat Joke 5
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – A: To a mewseum.
Cat Joke 6
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? – A: Claude
Cat Joke 7
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? – A: Mice cream
Cat Joke 8
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? – A: Catnip!
Cat Joke 9
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? – A: You re the purrfect cat for me!
Cat Joke 10
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? – A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!
Cat Joke 11
Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? – A: Three Blind Mice!
Cat Joke 12
Q: Where do cats write down notes? – A: Scratch Paper!
Cat Joke 13
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They re purr-fect!
Cat Joke 14
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? – A: A sourpuss!
Cat Joke 15
Q: What do you call a cat Who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?
Cat Joke 2
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″
Cat Joke 3
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Cat Joke 4
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
Cat Joke 5
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – A: To a mewseum.
Cat Joke 6
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? – A: Claude
Cat Joke 7
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? – A: Mice cream
Cat Joke 8
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? – A: Catnip!
Cat Joke 9
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? – A: You re the purrfect cat for me!
Cat Joke 10
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? – A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!
Cat Joke 11
Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? – A: Three Blind Mice!
Cat Joke 12
Q: Where do cats write down notes? – A: Scratch Paper!
Cat Joke 13
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They re purr-fect!
Cat Joke 14
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? – A: A sourpuss!
Cat Joke 15
Q: What do you call a cat Who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!
Sunday
Funny Christmas Jokes
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Friday
Yo Mama So Fat
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing
Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
Wednesday
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Check out favorite quotes about Thanksgiving from comedians like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan, Johnny Carson and more.
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"
Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
Funny Redneck Jokes
Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.
Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.
Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.
Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.
Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
Tuesday
Inspirational sayings
"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.""We're to blessed to be depressed."
"Failure is the mother of success."
"Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive."
"Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things,
but just look what happens when they stick together."
"Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation."
"Change is inevitable except from a vending machine."
"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."
"You don't want everything, think about it where would you put it?"
"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
Arthur C. Clarke
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
Phyllis Diller
"A laugh is a smile that bursts."
Mary H. Waldrip
"A comedian does funny things.
A good comedian does things funny."
Buster Keaton
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
Mark Twain
Friday
Funny Amazing Facts
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.
When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.
Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Sunday
Redneck Computer Terms
Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.
Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"
ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke
Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"
Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Tab - What you owe the bartender
Shift - How you get to a different gear.
RAM - Great truck
Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.
Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
Laptop - Where the stripper sits.
You Are A Redneck If These apply to you
The primary color of your car is "bondo".You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Wednesday
2010 Redneck Census Form
The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?
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