Funny Redneck Jokes

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Funny Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Hi, who's your friend?

Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.

Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Are those astronaunt pants? Cause that ass is out of this world!

Are you sure that you're not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Your feet must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You must be the cause of global warming!

Are you from Tennessee? [No, why?] Because you're the only 10 I see!

What's your sign?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

Got any raisins? [No.] Then how about a date?

Funny Quotes

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Funny One Liner Jokes-Why Ask?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What's another word for synonym?

So what's the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,
terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"

The blondes and the Double Decker Bus

There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette.

On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated... they're in a panic. They're screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask whats wrong, and one of the blonde's replies, "what's wrong?!? well, you'd be screaming too if you didnt have a driver!!!"

Classic Yo Mama So Dumb Jokes

your mama is so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone

your mama is so stupid that she got expelled from the m&m factory because she threw away all the W's

your mama is so stupid that she put money in the parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your mama is so stupid that she called her son ass and her house crack, and when ass went missing, she called the cops and said, I can't find my ass anywhere, I looked up my crack but I couldn't find him!

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband asked her what's for dinner, she opened her legs and answered, "Why honey, I'm having crabs."

Yo mama is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car!!

yo mama is so stupid she sat on the T.V. and watched the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid, that her geometry test said "Find x", and she circled it and said "there it is."

Yo Mama's so stupid, I asked her for a hot dog and she put Fido in the microwave.

Yo Mama's So Stupid, She Climbed Over A Glass Door To See What Was On The Other Side!!


Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid that she took you into a room and asked you "Who's this Oscar Meyer kid and why do you want his wiener?"

Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only charge her half price to read her mind!

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Yo mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics

Yo mama's so stupid that she thought that babies came from the infantry

Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car to buy petrol.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid someone said ''if you were locked in a car and you had nothing but a hammer how would you get out" and she said "bust the window".

Yo momma so stupid she took a fish out of the water because she thought it was drowning.

Yo mama's so stupid she went on Jeapordy and lost to George W. Bush.

Yo mama's so stupid she pisses in the sink to save on the gas bill.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama's so stupid she plays Russian Roulette with a Glock

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her to take out the trash and she moved!

Yo mama's so stupid she drove all the way to New Mexico with the handbrake on.

Yo mama's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

Jokes:Funny One Liners

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Men Jokes

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show
he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Funny Short Blonde Jokes

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


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Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.


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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."


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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.


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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."


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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.


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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!


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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.


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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Blonde Inventions

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Left handed pencil

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Clear correction fluid

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight

Dumb Blonde Males-Jokes

Fishing Buddies
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.

"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.

"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."

"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"



Barking Dogs
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

Short Blonde Jokes,Like Their Attention Span!

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
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When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."
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What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

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A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

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While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

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Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

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How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

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Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

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Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.


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What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

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What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

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What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh, look, Daddy ... doughnut seeds."

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How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

This Proves Blondes Are Smart

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Funny Pickup Lines

Do not use these pickup lines in a bar you will fail!

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Relationship Joke-0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Dumb Blonde Jokes

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

 

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

 

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?

A. A golden retriever.

3 Blonde Jokes

Which is Further Away?
Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

Mail Check
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."

17 Days
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"