Funny Redneck Jokes

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

Funny Amazing Facts

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Funny Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Hi, who's your friend?

Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.

Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Are those astronaunt pants? Cause that ass is out of this world!

Are you sure that you're not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Your feet must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You must be the cause of global warming!

Are you from Tennessee? [No, why?] Because you're the only 10 I see!

What's your sign?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

Got any raisins? [No.] Then how about a date?

Funny One Liner Jokes-Why Ask?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What's another word for synonym?

So what's the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,
terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

Funny Christmas Vacation Quotes

Christmas Vacation (1989)

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fu@%ng Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

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Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

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[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

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Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

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Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

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Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

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Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

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Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.

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Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

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[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

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Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

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Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

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Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks

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Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

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Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

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Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

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Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

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[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.

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Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

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Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

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Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

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Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

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Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

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Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

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Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

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Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

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Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

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Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

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[after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

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Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

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Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

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[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

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Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

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Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margo: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

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Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

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Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

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Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?

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Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

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Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

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Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

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Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

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Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

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Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

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Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

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Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!

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Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

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Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

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Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

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Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

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Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

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[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

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Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirlet]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?

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Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.

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Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
SWAT Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a...
Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.

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Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?

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Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.

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Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?

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Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about was he does when I'm NOT lying next to him.

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Clark: Later dudes! Let er' rip, hang ten!

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Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.

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Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

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Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises class to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]

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Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.

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Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!

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Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.

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Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?

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Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks widly at the presents under the tree]

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Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

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Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

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Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellend sticks her finger in it seeing that it's Jello, while Eddie licks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime.

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Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.

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Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet!

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Todd: [trying to fix a busted stereo] Obviously something had to break the window, something had to break the stereo.
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet Todd?
Todd: I don't know Margo!

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Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
[another knock]
Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]

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Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

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Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

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Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

You Have Failed-Funny Fail Pics

And the winner is......Ouch...

Ok...Dis Not Funny...

Help...Me nuggets are stuck!

This will not end well....

Smooth move,Failing in front of the ladies!

Jokes:Funny One Liners

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Funny Southern Sayings

Well that just dills my pickle!



That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!



You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.



I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.



If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.



He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!



She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.



He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.



Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!



He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!



You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!



Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.



That was faster than green grass through a goose.



She could make a preacher cuss!



Hell, she could even depress the devil.



You could start an argument in an empty house.



That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.



You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.



He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.



Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?



Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.



Each one of his sermons is better than the next!



He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.



He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!



She needs some fries to go with that shake.



That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.



Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.



They’re off like a herd of turtles.



She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.



Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!



He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.



She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).



He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.



If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.



Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!



Well, slap my head and call me silly!



Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!



Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!



He’s not particularly intelligent:



The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.



If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose



He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.



He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.



He’s a little strange…



That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.



I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.



I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.



He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!



He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.



You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.



He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.



He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.



He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.



It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!



It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!



It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.



It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!



He’s not particularly handsome….



He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west



He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.



He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”



She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!



If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!

Funny Short Blonde Jokes

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


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Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.


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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."


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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.


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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."


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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.


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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!


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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.


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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Chuck Norris Facts

1.Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
2.If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
3.Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
4.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
5.Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
6.Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
7.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
8.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
9.Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
10.Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Chuck Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
11.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
12.Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
13.When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
14.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
15.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
16.Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
17.Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
18.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
19.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
20.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
21.Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
22.Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
23.Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
24.When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
25.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
26.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
27.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
28.Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
29.Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
30.M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
31.Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
32.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
33.Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
34.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
35.Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
36.Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
37.In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
38.Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
39.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40.The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
41.Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
42.Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
43.Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
44.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
45.When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
46.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
47.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
48.The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
49.Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
50.Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

This Proves Blondes Are Smart

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Funny Pickup Lines

Do not use these pickup lines in a bar you will fail!

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Funny Christmas Jokes

Question and Answer Christmas Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?

A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A PENguin.