1.Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
2.If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
3.Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
4.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
5.Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
6.Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
7.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
8.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
9.Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
10.Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Chuck Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
11.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
12.Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
13.When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
14.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
15.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
16.Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
17.Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
18.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
19.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
20.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
21.Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
22.Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
23.Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
24.When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
25.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
26.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
27.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
28.Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
29.Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
30.M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
31.Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
32.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
33.Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
34.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
35.Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
36.Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
37.In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
38.Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
39.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40.The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
41.Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
42.Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
43.Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
44.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
45.When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
46.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
47.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
48.The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
49.Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
50.Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Sunday
Chuck Norris Facts
Tuesday
Redneck Joke-Happy Birthday
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"
Thursday
Blonde Inventions
Black highlighter
Waterproof tea bags
Braille driving manual
Dehydrated water
Screen door on a submarine
Helicopter ejection seat
Air conditioning for motorcycle
Left handed pencil
Wooden barbecue
Glow-in-the-dark sun dial
Gasoline fire extinguisher
Battery-powered battery charger
Clear correction fluid
Fake rhinestones
Fireproof matches
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Mesh umbrella
Solar-powered flashlight
Wednesday
Top 15 Redneck Songs
15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
Sunday
Redneck Joke-40 Things You won't hear a Redneck Say!
40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
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