My karma ran over your dogma.
I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"I is a college student."
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Tuesday
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Saturday
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Funny Cat Jokes
Cat Joke 1
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?
Cat Joke 2
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″
Cat Joke 3
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Cat Joke 4
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
Cat Joke 5
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – A: To a mewseum.
Cat Joke 6
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? – A: Claude
Cat Joke 7
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? – A: Mice cream
Cat Joke 8
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? – A: Catnip!
Cat Joke 9
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? – A: You re the purrfect cat for me!
Cat Joke 10
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? – A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!
Cat Joke 11
Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? – A: Three Blind Mice!
Cat Joke 12
Q: Where do cats write down notes? – A: Scratch Paper!
Cat Joke 13
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They re purr-fect!
Cat Joke 14
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? – A: A sourpuss!
Cat Joke 15
Q: What do you call a cat Who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?
Cat Joke 2
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″
Cat Joke 3
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Cat Joke 4
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
Cat Joke 5
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – A: To a mewseum.
Cat Joke 6
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? – A: Claude
Cat Joke 7
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? – A: Mice cream
Cat Joke 8
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? – A: Catnip!
Cat Joke 9
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? – A: You re the purrfect cat for me!
Cat Joke 10
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? – A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!
Cat Joke 11
Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? – A: Three Blind Mice!
Cat Joke 12
Q: Where do cats write down notes? – A: Scratch Paper!
Cat Joke 13
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They re purr-fect!
Cat Joke 14
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? – A: A sourpuss!
Cat Joke 15
Q: What do you call a cat Who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!
Sunday
Funny Christmas Jokes
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
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