Funny Christmas Jokes

Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.


Yo Mama So Fat

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.

Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.

Fail Black Friday

Fail Black Friday
Fail Owned Babysitter

Fail motorcycle ride

Fail motorcycle ride
Six riders one helmet, sweet.....


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Check out favorite quotes about Thanksgiving from comedians like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan, Johnny Carson and more.
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."

Funny Redneck Jokes

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.


Inspirational sayings

smiles"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."
"We're to blessed to be depressed."

"Failure is the mother of success."

"Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive."

"Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things,
but just look what happens when they stick together."

"Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation."

"Change is inevitable except from a vending machine."

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."

"You don't want everything, think about it where would you put it?"

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
Arthur C. Clarke

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
Phyllis Diller

"A laugh is a smile that bursts."
Mary H. Waldrip

"A comedian does funny things.
A good comedian does things funny."
Buster Keaton

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
Mark Twain


Funny Amazing Facts

applemonsterA crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

bananadogFebruary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.


Redneck Computer Terms

redneckbellyHard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

redneckThe primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".


2010 Redneck Census Form

The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)

What does everyone call you?

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:

Color of teeth:

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler


Funny Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Hi, who's your friend?

Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.

Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Are those astronaunt pants? Cause that ass is out of this world!

Are you sure that you're not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Your feet must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You must be the cause of global warming!

Are you from Tennessee? [No, why?] Because you're the only 10 I see!

What's your sign?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

Got any raisins? [No.] Then how about a date?


Funny Quotes

pistol panda-usa-china
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz


Funny One Liner Jokes-Why Ask?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What's another word for synonym?

So what's the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,
terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"


The blondes and the Double Decker Bus

There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette.

On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated... they're in a panic. They're screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask whats wrong, and one of the blonde's replies, "what's wrong?!? well, you'd be screaming too if you didnt have a driver!!!"


Redneck Joke:Expensive Fishing Trip

RedneckIceFishingTwo redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


Classic Yo Mama So Dumb Jokes

cant_afford_meyour mama is so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone

your mama is so stupid that she got expelled from the m&m factory because she threw away all the W's

your mama is so stupid that she put money in the parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your mama is so stupid that she called her son ass and her house crack, and when ass went missing, she called the cops and said, I can't find my ass anywhere, I looked up my crack but I couldn't find him!

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband asked her what's for dinner, she opened her legs and answered, "Why honey, I'm having crabs."

Yo mama is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car!!

yo mama is so stupid she sat on the T.V. and watched the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid, that her geometry test said "Find x", and she circled it and said "there it is."

Yo Mama's so stupid, I asked her for a hot dog and she put Fido in the microwave.

Yo Mama's So Stupid, She Climbed Over A Glass Door To See What Was On The Other Side!!

Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid that she took you into a room and asked you "Who's this Oscar Meyer kid and why do you want his wiener?"

Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only charge her half price to read her mind!

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Yo mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics

Yo mama's so stupid that she thought that babies came from the infantry

Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car to buy petrol.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid someone said ''if you were locked in a car and you had nothing but a hammer how would you get out" and she said "bust the window".

Yo momma so stupid she took a fish out of the water because she thought it was drowning.

Yo mama's so stupid she went on Jeapordy and lost to George W. Bush.

Yo mama's so stupid she pisses in the sink to save on the gas bill.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama's so stupid she plays Russian Roulette with a Glock

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her to take out the trash and she moved!

Yo mama's so stupid she drove all the way to New Mexico with the handbrake on.

Yo mama's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Redneck Logic

RednecksTwo rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”