Thursday

Funny Christmas Vacation Quotes

randyquaidChristmas Vacation (1989)

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fu@%ng Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

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Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

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[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

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Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

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Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

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Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

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Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

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Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.

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Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

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[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

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Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

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Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

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Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks

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Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

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Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

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Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

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Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

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[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.

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Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

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Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

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Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

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Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

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Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

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Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

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Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

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Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

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Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

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Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

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[after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

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Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

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Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

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[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

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Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

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Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margo: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

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Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

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Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

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Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. VoilĂ .
Ellen: Are you okay?

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Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

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Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

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Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

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Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

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Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

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Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

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Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

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Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!

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Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

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Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

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Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

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Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

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Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

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[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

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Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirlet]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?

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Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.

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Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
SWAT Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a...
Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.

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Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?

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Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.

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Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?

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Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about was he does when I'm NOT lying next to him.

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Clark: Later dudes! Let er' rip, hang ten!

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Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.

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Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

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Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises class to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]

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Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.

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Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!

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Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.

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Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?

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Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks widly at the presents under the tree]

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Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

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Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

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Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellend sticks her finger in it seeing that it's Jello, while Eddie licks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime.

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Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.

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Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet!

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Todd: [trying to fix a busted stereo] Obviously something had to break the window, something had to break the stereo.
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet Todd?
Todd: I don't know Margo!

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Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
[another knock]
Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]

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Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

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Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

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Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

Tuesday

Ghost Hick Joke

Ghost Hick JokeA visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Saturday

You Have Failed-Funny Fail Pics

failed20
And the winner is......Ouch...
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Ok...Dis Not Funny...
failed16
Help...Me nuggets are stuck!
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This will not end well....
failed13
Smooth move,Failing in front of the ladies!

Wednesday

Jokes:Funny One Liners

ATT00053Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Tuesday

Fun Blonde Jokes

lingeriebowl14

Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."



The Ultimate Sacrifice
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

Monday

Men Jokes

Murray_cheeksHow are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show
he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Wednesday

Funny Southern Sayings

redneckpoolWell that just dills my pickle!



That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!



You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.



I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.



If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.



He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!



She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.



He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.



Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!



He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!



You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!



Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.



That was faster than green grass through a goose.



She could make a preacher cuss!



Hell, she could even depress the devil.



You could start an argument in an empty house.



That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.



You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.



He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.



Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?



Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.



Each one of his sermons is better than the next!



He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.



He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!



She needs some fries to go with that shake.



That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.



Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.



They’re off like a herd of turtles.



She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.



Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!



He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.



She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).



He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.



If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.



Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!



Well, slap my head and call me silly!



Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!



Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!



He’s not particularly intelligent:



The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.



If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose



He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.



He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.



He’s a little strange…



That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.



I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.



I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.



He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!



He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.



You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.



He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.



He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.



He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.



It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!



It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!



It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.



It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!



He’s not particularly handsome….



He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west



He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.



He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”



She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!



If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!

Monday

Funny Short Blonde Jokes

amberheard

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


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Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.


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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."


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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.


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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."


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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.


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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!


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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.


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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Sunday

Chuck Norris Facts

chucknorristoiletpaper


1.Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
2.If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
3.Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
4.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
5.Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
6.Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
7.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
8.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
9.Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
10.Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Chuck Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
11.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
12.Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
13.When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
14.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
15.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
16.Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
17.Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
18.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
19.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
20.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
21.Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
22.Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
23.Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
24.When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
25.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
26.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
27.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
28.Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
29.Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
30.M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
31.Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
32.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
33.Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
34.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
35.Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
36.Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
37.In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
38.Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
39.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40.The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
41.Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
42.Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
43.Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
44.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
45.When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
46.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
47.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
48.The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
49.Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
50.Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Tuesday

Redneck Joke-Happy Birthday

rednecksbellies

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy"

Thursday

Blonde Inventions

blondeinventionsSome Inventions are simply better left uninvented:


Black highlighter


Waterproof tea bags


Braille driving manual


Dehydrated water


Screen door on a submarine


Helicopter ejection seat


Air conditioning for motorcycle


Left handed pencil


Wooden barbecue


Glow-in-the-dark sun dial


Gasoline fire extinguisher


Battery-powered battery charger


Clear correction fluid


Fake rhinestones


Fireproof matches


Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses


Mesh umbrella


Solar-powered flashlight

Wednesday

Top 15 Redneck Songs

redneckwindchime

15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

Sunday

Redneck Joke-40 Things You won't hear a Redneck Say!

40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.


redneckgotmullet
Copy And Paste TheHot Redneck Mullet Chick into Myspace,Facebook or Websites!

Friday

Blind Man's Blonde Joke

blindA blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Thursday

Dumb Blonde Males-Jokes

blondemusclemanFishing Buddies
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.

"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.

"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."

"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"



Barking Dogs
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

Wednesday

Painting the Porch

blonde-beerA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Saturday

Short Blonde Jokes,Like Their Attention Span!

Bailey-Legally-blonde
Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh, look, Daddy ... doughnut seeds."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

Friday

To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car

blondebrainsTwo blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Tuesday

This Proves Blondes Are Smart

newyorkmajesty1This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Thursday

Top 30 Movie One-Liners

history_1933_boris1.Frankenstein , (1931) “It’s Alive! It’s Alive!”, Dr. Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive)

2. Every Day’s a Holiday, (1937), “You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.”, Larmadou Graves (Charles Butter worth)

3. Gone With the Wind , (1939), “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)

4. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes , (1939), “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone)

5.The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

6. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “There’s no place like home”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

7. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little dog too”, Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton)

8. Casablanca , (1942), “Here’s looking at you, kid”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

9. Casablanca , (1942), “Play it again, Sam”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

10.Casablanca , (1942), “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

11. Casablanca , (1942), “We’ll always have Paris”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

12. Casablanca , (1942), “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

13. Yankee Doddle Dandy , (1942), “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you”, George Cohan (James Cagney)

14. All About Eve, (1950), “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride”, Margo Channing (Bette Davis)

15. A Streetcar Named Desire , (1951), “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”, Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh)

16. Psycho , (1960), “We all go a little mad sometimes”, Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins)
17. Dr. No , (1962), “Bond. James Bond.” James Bond (Sean Connery)

18. Goldfinger , (1964), “Shaken – Not stirred”, James Bond (Sean Connery)

19. Cool Hand Luke , (1967), “What we have here is a failure to communicate”, Captain (Strother Martin)

20. In the Heat of the Night , (1967), “They call me Mr. Tibbs”, Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Portier)

21. Dirty Harry , (1971), “Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk”, Inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood)

22. The Godfather , (1972), “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

23. The Godfather , (1972), “Don’t ask me about my business, Kay”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

24. The Godfather , (1972), “This isn’t personal, Kay. This is business”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

25. The Godfather: Part 2, (1974), “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

26. Rocky , (1976), “Yo, Adrienne”, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)

27. Taxi Driver , (1976), “You talkin’ to me”, Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro)

28. Star Wars , (1977), “Get this big walking carpet out of my way”, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)

29. Star Wars , (1977), “May the force be with you”, Hans Solo (Harrison Ford)

30. Apocalypse Now, (1979), “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory”, Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall)

Friday

Funny Pickup Lines

DORKDo not use these pickup lines in a bar you will fail!

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Monday

Funny Fail Pic

fail-ball-kid
Copy And Paste Funny Fail Pic into Myspace,Facebook or Websites!

Thursday

Relationship Joke-0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Funny_Pictures_wifemad
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Saturday

Funny Yo Mama Jokes-Yo Mama So Ugly

hot-chick-ugly-wowFunny yo mama Jokes! The funniest yo mama jokes from around the world!
Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

Monday

Blonde Jokes-Three Blondes Fishing

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

blondecartoon
Meteor Crater
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Wednesday

Blonde Jokes

funny-dumb-blonde1

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.


What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Dumb Blonde Jokes

dumbblondehot
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

 

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

 

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?

A. A golden retriever.

Monday

Funny Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

redneck_boat
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Friday

3 Blonde Jokes

blondehot
Which is Further Away?
Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

Mail Check
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."

17 Days
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

Blonde Selling a Car

ditzyblonde-funnyA blonde was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
      One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
      "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."
      "Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
      The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
      "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Wednesday

Blonde and The Cheating Boyfriend

hot-bikini-pics5 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Monday

You Are So Poor Jokes

poorbumhomeless
You are so poor you eat cereal with forks to save milk!

You are so poor your face is on the cover of a food stamp!

You are so poor when I walked in your front door a mouse tripped me and a cockroach stole my wallet!

You are so poor I walked in your house and asked to use the
bathroom and you told me to pick a corner!

You are so poor that you use dental floss as toilet paper!

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother moving a trashcan from one street to another. I asked what was she doing and she said, ''I am moving it's too noisy over there!

Tuesday

Blonde Painting

dumb-blonde
Painting a Room
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart and capable by painting a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she buys paint and rollers and gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies "yes."
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house by herself.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she read the directions on the paint can and they said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Monday

Dumb Blonde Jokes

blondeheman
Q:What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A:A Golden Retriever.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Wednesday

The Red Head

dumb-blonde-funnyThe Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Tuesday

The Smart Blonde

hotblondechick

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

Saturday

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet and Cat!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet and cat!!! easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
funnyanimalpicture17

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog
laughing