Funny Southern Sayings

redneckpoolWell that just dills my pickle!

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.

If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

That was faster than green grass through a goose.

She could make a preacher cuss!

Hell, she could even depress the devil.

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.

You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?

Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Each one of his sermons is better than the next!

He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!

She needs some fries to go with that shake.

That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.

Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.

They’re off like a herd of turtles.

She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!

He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!

Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!

He’s not particularly intelligent:

The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose

He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

He’s a little strange…

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.

You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.

He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.

He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!

It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

He’s not particularly handsome….

He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west

He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.

He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”

She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!

If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!


Funny Short Blonde Jokes


Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.


What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."


Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.


How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.


How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!


Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.


Chuck Norris Facts


1.Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
2.If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
3.Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
4.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
5.Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
6.Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
7.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
8.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
9.Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
10.Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Chuck Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
11.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
12.Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
13.When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
14.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
15.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
16.Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
17.Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
18.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
19.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
20.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
21.Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
22.Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
23.Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
24.When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
25.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
26.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
27.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
28.Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
29.Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
30.M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
31.Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
32.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
33.Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
34.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
35.Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
36.Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
37.In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
38.Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
39.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40.The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
41.Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
42.Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
43.Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
44.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
45.When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
46.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
47.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
48.The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
49.Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
50.Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.