Lawyer Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

Funny Cat Jokes

Cat Joke 1
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?

Cat Joke 2
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″

Cat Joke 3
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

Cat Joke 4
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!

Cat Joke 5
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – A: To a mewseum.

Cat Joke 6
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? – A: Claude

Cat Joke 7
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? – A: Mice cream

Cat Joke 8
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? – A: Catnip!

Cat Joke 9
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? – A: You re the purrfect cat for me!

Cat Joke 10
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? – A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!

Cat Joke 11
Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? – A: Three Blind Mice!

Cat Joke 12
Q: Where do cats write down notes? – A: Scratch Paper!

Cat Joke 13
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They re purr-fect!

Cat Joke 14
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? – A: A sourpuss!

Cat Joke 15
Q: What do you call a cat Who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!

Funny Christmas Jokes

Question and Answer Christmas Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?

A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A PENguin.

Yo Mama So Fat

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.

Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.


Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.